What Can I Do If I Can, But I Can’t?

If you have ADHD, you likely know this feeling: you can do the thing, but somehow you can’t.

It might be something small, like washing the dishes. Or it could be bigger, like starting an essay due in three days or packing for a holiday. You know you’re capable because you’ve done it before. But it feels like there’s an invisible wall between you and the task. No matter how hard you want to, or try, you just can’t break through. 

If this resonates with you, I really want you to hear this… It’s not laziness. It’s not a sign that you don’t care. And it’s definitely not your fault!  What I’m trying to describe here is an ADHD paradox: I can, but I can’t.

When Ability and Action Don’t Match

For me, it shows up in the everyday. I’ll walk past the sink full of plates ten times, promising myself I’ll remember to do it later. And then I forget until I spot the offending plates just as I’m about to run out of the door – usually too short of time to turn back!  Now, I LOVE living in a clean, clear space, so it’s not a lack of care, or a lack of respect for myself or others around me. It’s because my brain wouldn’t kick into gear when it really needed to (i.e. when I first noticed there was a task to be done), and then my attention was diverted elsewhere and my earlier promises to myself simply evaporated. 

This is one of ADHD’s cruel tricks: it separates knowing from doing. People often tell me, “You just need to focus” or “It only takes five minutes.” And they say it like it’s new information for me. And then I have to put on my ‘avoid a sarcastic retort’ mask to avoid hurting their feelings, as I’m fully aware their intentions are essentially good. And then I’m exhausted from all the masking, while at the same time beating myself up because I haven’t done the ‘simple’ task in the first place (I’ll say more about this later). Does that sound familiar? 

If only people knew how their words feel to someone whose brain doesn’t work as it ‘should’ in a neurotypical world. Of course I know it takes five minutes. Of course I know I should focus. If logic could fix it, it wouldn’t be a problem. I have plenty of logic. But logic doesn’t help when I can, but I can’t…

The Science Bit (in plain English)

ADHD isn’t really about attention – at least, not in the way most people think. It’s about executive function: the brain’s self-management system. Executive functions help us plan, prioritise, start tasks, and keep going until we finish.

Researchers often highlight the role of dopamine, a chemical messenger tied to motivation and reward. For neurotypical brains, dopamine helps close the gap between “I should do this” and “I’m doing it.” For ADHD brains, dopamine pathways can be less efficient. That gap doesn’t always close.

If you’d like to dive deeper into why this happens, this article from Additude explores why getting started is so hard for adults with ADHD — and how executive function plays a major role.

I know I can clean, pay bills, or make appointments, but the signal that moves me to act just doesn’t fire. This leads to paralysis—not because I lack ability, but because the connection between intention (’I can’) and action (’I can’t) is broken.

The Shame Spiral

The hardest part isn’t even the undone task – it’s the shame that follows.

–      “Everyone else can keep their house clean – why can’t I?”

–      “If I really cared, I’d just do it.”

–      “I’m smart, but I keep failing at the simplest things.”

That shame, mentioned earlier, can be more exhausting than the task itself. It chips away at confidence and makes starting even harder. When you already feel behind, self-criticism can freeze you in place.

I think I feel this ‘shame’ more strongly than a younger woman might because I grew up in a society where the routine stuff was where women were supposed to excel. The men could have the big important tasks and the careers, but many women of my age were brought up with aspirations to do nothing more than support that man. Based on the fact that I couldn’t even make a cup of tea and remember to deliver it while it was still reasonably warm, I felt like a failure from a young age, often overwhelmed by shame. 

But with knowledge and understanding come hope and healing…

Things That Sometimes Help

In recent years, I’ve realised that fighting my ADHD brain with brute force rarely works. In the months following my diagnosis, I noticed that my survival to this point was probably down to my ability to create little hacks and put in external supports:

• Shrink the task: Instead of “clean the kitchen,” I write a list of what that entails. For example, load the dishwasher (or empty the dishwasher!), clear the worktops, clean the worktops, clean the microwave, etc. Once I’m moving and feeling the satisfaction of crossing something off the list, I often keep going.

• Borrow motivation from outside; for example, I’ve accepted that I will not  go to the gym unless I’ve arranged to meet someone there. And that person is preferably my personal trainer (thank you, Darren…) – this provides extra commitment PLUS less chance of injuring myself because I didn’t pay attention in the demonstration or since forgot due to lack of interest!  

• Other forms of outside motivation help too. Working alongside a friend, even virtually, using timers, or sending accountability messages can bridge the gap when internal drive is low.

• Change the environment: if I have a pile of filing, I might move it to the lounge and keep the TV on in the background. I often find it easier to focus on a task if another part of my brain is occupied. 

• Reframe success: maybe I don’t have to work on the task for the whole afternoon. Instead, I could make an agreement with myself to do four bursts of 20 minutes. That’s still progress. And the chances are that, once I make a start, my 20 minutes could stretch into the afternoon anyway!

None of these are perfect. Sometimes I still can’t. But they give me a way back in, and remind me my struggles aren’t about willpower.

You’re Not Broken

Here’s what I remind myself when the spiral starts: ADHD doesn’t erase ability – it just makes ability harder to access.

If you’re frozen between a pile of laundry or a blank page, it doesn’t mean you’re lazy or incapable. It means your brain works differently.

You may need different scaffolding. You may need more compassion—from others and yourself. You may need to try ten ways before one works. But you aren’t broken.

So, What Can I Do If I Can, But I Can’t?

The answer: both parts are true. You can – you have the ability. And sometimes you can’t – the wiring gets in the way. Both can exist at once.

Living with ADHD means learning to close that gap, not by beating yourself up, but by finding systems that support you. By reducing or letting go of the shame, and by recognising that the struggle itself is part of the condition.

Because the truth is, you’re already doing something incredible every day: navigating a brain that doesn’t always cooperate, often in a world that doesn’t really understand (or often doesn’t even WANT to understand) what you need to thrive. And that, in itself, is proof that you can.

But with Knowledge and Understanding Come Hope and Healing…

If this resonates with you, you might also appreciate From Grief to Growth — a reflection on late ADHD diagnosis, self-compassion, and healing after years of misunderstanding.