Even with a Mensa-level IQ, ADHD can make “simple” tasks feel anything but simple. In this post, I explore the ADHD shame and simple tasks, such as everyday routines, why overwhelm isn’t laziness, and how real support (both at home and at work) often means removing the weight of “should”.
If you’re an adult, there are certain things people assume you can do. For example, if you own a car, the world quietly expects that you’ll know how to maintain it. Not rebuild an engine, just the basics. Apparently, this includes checking the oil, tyre pressure, opening the bonnet… simple things and yet, recently, ADHD reminded me – very dramatically – that “simple” is not always simple.
It came to my attention that I had been driving my car with no oil. Apparently, it was some kind of mechanical miracle that the engine wasn’t destroyed beyond repair. I was told how serious it could have been, and I felt that cold rush of panic that comes when you realise you’ve been unknowingly skating close to disaster.
And then came the next part. The part that sounds straightforward. The words: “Just put oil in the car.”
Someone explained what to do. They gave me instructions and showed me where it went. And I just zoned out. Not because I didn’t care, or because I’m lazy or unintelligent. But because my brain simply blocked.
The ADHD Mental Block No One Understands
This is one of the hardest things to explain to people who don’t live with ADHD.
I have a Mensa-level IQ (yes, I’ve passed the official test – how I came to be doing that is a story for another day). I can think deeply. I can coach others through complex emotional landscapes. And I can build systems, reflect, write, and problem-solve.
And yet… car maintenance sends me into a state of internal chaos. Whenever anything goes wrong with my car, my brain doesn’t respond with calm, logical thinking. It responds with panic.
It’s as if the moment something mechanical is required of me, my nervous system takes over, and my mind goes blank. I find myself standing in petrol stations, staring at my own vehicle, trying to remember:
- How do I open the bonnet again?
- Where is the petrol cap release?
- What tyre pressure do I need?
- What does the dipstick even mean?
These are not new problems. I’ve owned this car for over 40 years. And yet, every time, it’s like starting from scratch.
The YouTube Spiral and the Exhaustion After “Simple Tasks”
So I do what many ADHD brains do when we feel overwhelmed. I frantically reach for YouTube, watch videos, zone out, rewind, replay, zone out again, rewind… and so it continues. I try to absorb the most basic instructions as if they were written in another language. And, after all that effort, I feel exhausted. Not because the task was physically hard, but because the mental load was enormous.
This is something people don’t always see. ADHD isn’t just a distraction. It’s not just forgetfulness. It’s the invisible effort of trying to do something that seems small, but feels neurologically impossible in the moment.
When “Trying to Cope” Makes Things Worse
With the oil situation, things escalated quickly.
I bought oil, but it was the wrong amount (tiny car needs the smallest bottle available, right? Apparently not…). Then I bought too much and overfilled it, amidst vague recollections of a warning to avoid this particular scenario.
All of this resulted in an urgent service and yet another oil change.
Luckily, my car survived. However, emotionally, I was totally worn out by the whole episode. And I was left with a bigger question:
Why didn’t I just ask for help properly at the beginning?
And I find the answer pretty uncomfortable.
Welcome Back to the Land of “Should”
I did ask for help initially.
I asked what it meant that there was no oil (because, in all honesty, I didn’t even know what the dipstick was supposedto show). However, when I was given instructions on how to fix it myself, something inside me shut down.
Explaining why I couldn’t do it didn’t feel like an option. It felt embarrassing, childish, like I was a failure. And suddenly I was back in the familiar ADHD territory of:
- You should be able to do this.
- Other adults manage this.
- Why can’t you just cope?
- What’s wrong with you?
This is where shame lives. Not in the task itself, but in the expectation attached to it. And perhaps the hardest part is that, when you are visibly “bright,” people assume you must be capable of everything. This means that when you struggle with something “basic,” the conclusion others draw is often: “You’re just not trying” or “You’re being lazy.”
But ADHD isn’t a lack of intelligence. It’s a difference in executive functioning, i.e., the brain’s ability to:
- sequence steps
- retain instructions under stress
- initiate tasks
- stay regulated when overwhelmed
- access memory in the moment
Difficulty is not always a choice. Sometimes it’s neurological overload.
What I Needed Wasn’t More Instructions
Looking back, the oil wasn’t really the issue. The issue was the belief that needing help meant something about me. In that moment, I didn’t need more instructions or another explanation of where the funnel goes (I totally missed the funnel requirement…) or how slowly to pour.
It was support without judgement. Also, sometimes the kindest support isn’t doing it together, so I know how to do it next time (which I probably won’t). When someone is already overwhelmed, already exhausted from managing life, masking, remembering, coping, etc, sometimes the kindest thing is for someone to simply do it for you.
Sometimes it’s kindest to remove the weight completely and take the task off your shoulders without making you feel smaller for needing that.
Because ADHD can be more about capacity than capability. And capacity is limited. Sometimes we are using all our available energy just to get through the day.
Supporting Someone With ADHD: You Don’t Have to Understand
This is such an important point for anyone supporting a loved one, colleague, employee, or team member with ADHD:
The best support you can offer in the moment is not always teaching or pushing independence. It’s not always saying, “It’s easy, I’ll show you.”
Often, the best support begins with acceptance, because having ADHD means they have a different kind of brain that may already be working overtime to:
- stay regulated
- remember what others remember automatically
- manage overwhelm
- navigate daily demands
- hold things together invisibly
So when something “small” tips them into panic or shutdown, it isn’t drama or laziness. It’s often the nervous system reaching overload.
You don’t have to fully understand ADHD to be supportive. And you don’t have to relate to why opening the bonnet feels impossible. You don’t even have to make it make sense. You just have to accept that they are dealing with difference and support them in the way that helps most. That help could be:
- taking over the task entirely
- offering calm reassurance
- reducing pressure and urgency
- removing shame from the moment
- helping them preserve energy for what only they can do
Sometimes support is not instruction. Sometimes, it’s simply:
“I’ve got this. You can breathe.”
And that kind of kindness can change everything.
A Workplace Note: Reasonable Adjustments Aren’t Always More Time
This also matters deeply in the workplace. When thinking about reasonable adjustments for ADHD, people often assume it means:
- extra time
- more training
- another system
- another process
- another layer of effort
Sometimes, however, the most compassionate and effective adjustment is much simpler:
Remove the task.
If a particular responsibility drains disproportionate energy, triggers panic, or repeatedly leads to shutdown, a reasonable adjustment might be to reallocate it entirely. Not because the person isn’t capable, but because their energy is better spent elsewhere.
That isn’t “letting someone off.” It’s enabling them to work at their best. It’s about preserving energy so they can contribute through their strengths; it’s about allowing them to do what comes naturally, without shame or exhaustion.
Sometimes inclusion isn’t about pushing harder; it’s about designing work around human brains rather than forcing human brains to fit the work.
As a Coach, I Notice the Word “Should”
I don’t often give clients direct instructions. Coaching is about exploration, reflection and self-trust.
But I do have a gentle rule I invite clients to take on board:
Pay attention when the word “should” appears.
Because “should” is rarely neutral. It carries expectation, and expectation often carries shame. This can be especially true for adults with ADHD who have spent a lifetime being told:
- “You’re so smart, so why…?”
- “You have so much potential, if only…”
- “It’s not that hard.”
And eventually, we start telling ourselves the same thing.
A Gentle Reflection
If you’ve ever felt ashamed because you struggle with something “simple,” ask yourself:
- What tasks trigger panic or a shutdown for me?
- Where do I carry those silent “shoulds”?
- What would it look like to ask for help before I hit crisis?
- What support would reduce the overwhelm rather than increase it?
Sometimes the bravest thing isn’t pushing through. Sometimes, it’s letting yourself be supported.
Closing Thought
ADHD is full of contradictions. You can be intelligent, insightful, deeply capable… yet still be floored by something others consider routine.
The answer isn’t more shame. It’s compassion and understanding, together with support that meets people where they are, rather than where the world thinks they should be.
If you’re someone who feels deeply capable in some areas but completely blocked in others, you are not alone.
ADHD coaching can help you untangle these contradictions with compassion, clarity, and practical support. You don’t need more shame – you need strategies that actually work for your brain.
If you’d like support navigating the everyday overwhelm of ADHD, either at home or at work, I’d love to help. I offer a free 30-minute discovery call with no pressure to book sessions.
